The Bridesmaids from Hell
by WDCain Man
Summary: The B&B corps are the bridesmaids at Johnny and Meryl's wedding. Be afraid, be very afraid.


_**A Metal Gear Solid Fanfic: The Bridesmaids from Hell  
**__**Written by WDCain Man**_

_**Disclaimer: **_The Metal Gear world is owned by Konami and created by Hideo Kojima. Everything is used without permission and if he tell me to take this story down, I would actually crap my pants that the greatest video game director of our time actually talked to me.

WDCain Man here with his first crack fic. Though, I guess most of _Green With Evil_ could be considered that. I got this idea after beating MGS4 for the first time last week. What can I say? Great game, a cinematic masterpiece, a marvel of gaming technology, epic writing, though a total killer for 9/10s of my ideas for _Shinji, Soldier of Outer Heaven_. Para-Medic is Dr. Clark? AH HELL NO! That totally kills chapter 10 of SSOH. Fudge. I'm so depressed that I need to do something hardcore insane to brighten my gloomy mood.

_**Warning:**_ I feel obligated to tell you that this story contains LOTS of spoils for MGS4 and a lot of harsh language from Raging Beauty. If you thought The Fury had a potty mouth then you've got another thing coming.

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**_**The Bridesmaids from Hell  
**__**By WDCain Man  
**_**XXXXXXX**

Weddings with a big frosty cake and pretty wedding dresses and lots and lots of nice smelling flowers are always the dreams of little girls. It's practically the day they live for. They'll have their father walk them down the aisle to the man of their dreams, Prince Charming, who'll love them and take care of them for the rest of their lives.

The beautiful girl will swear to love her handsome husband forever in the eyes of God, making her dream a reality. As the most beautiful bride in the world, all her friends and family will clap and cheer as she kisses her husband. Her bridesmaids will cheer and chase after the boutique in the hope of sharing her good fortune. The church bells will ring, sounding the girl's first moment as a wife. This is the perfect wedding dream for a girl.

And Meryl Silverburgh's wedding where she becomes Meryl Sasaki?

The minister was a career sniper with over forty kills under his belt. The best man had personally blacked both the groom's eyes nine separate times since they met. The ring-bearer was a prepubescent uber computer genius that had the skills to bring down the stock market. The wedding's caterers were an amoral gun launderer and his pet monkey. Prince Charming was a cowardly soldier with horrible bowl problems. The bride had a switchblade held snugly to her thigh by her lace garter belt and a socom hidden in her bouquet. And the bridesmaids?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

"hEH heh hA! Always the bridesmaid…NEVER THE BRIDE! MWA HA HA!" Laughing Beauty crackled madly on the side behind the bride.

"At least the FUCKING flowers match your FUCKING hair, you frog-humping SHIT-EATING-brain-dead blond!" The redheaded Acehion screamed at the Nordic beauty to her left.

"Sniff…sniff…wh-why can't I find sa-somebody ta-to loooove meeeee?" Crying Beauty smashed the bouquet's stems and just losing it. "WAAAAAH!"

"WHY ISN'T IT US?! WE'RE NEVER FIND LOVE! WHY CAN'T WE FIND LOVE! AREN'T WE PRETTY?! GOD DON'T' LET US LOSE OUR LOOKS!" The South American brunette screamed at the top of her lungs to her three sisters in suffering.

Raging Beauty growled, her eyes glaring at the married couple like a hawk would a worm. "This is why I FUCKING hate weddings! All the FUCKING loviduv and it AIN'T for us! THERE'S NO ONE FOR US!"

"THAT'S THE JOKE!" The Scandinavian blond cackled like the Joker, squeezing her white rose bouquet so tightly that the rose-thorns drew blood. "HA HA HO HA HEH HAAAA!"

"…I don't like the joke…" The African weeper looked as pitiful as a wet dog. "Heweh ehhh waaah uuuuuh aaaaah!" Her sniffles were pretty painful to listen to.

"PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE ALONE GOD! PLEASE!" That was Screaming Beauty Seriously, if it weren't for Little Grey firing the cannons on Drebin's tank to the tune of the music, the wedding would have just sucked.

At that time the little boy playing with Sunny noticed the quartette of super unbalanced beauties and he decided to say hi to the lovely ladies who all had such weird expressions for a wedding.

Laughing Beauty noticed him first. "Heeeeh heh Sunny's friend's heeeere… No friends of ours here… NOPE NOPE NOPE! Mwa ha he ha ho ha oh ha!"

The boy gaped at the howling mad laughing lady and backed away, bumping into Raging Beauty.

"Some goddamn friend you are, you FUCKING puke! Leaving Sunny to hang out with the BIG GIRLS! You're the type of SHIT that would leave a girl to be pecked by FUCKING ravens!"

He couldn't even respond to that one. He couldn't even talk back. He just knew he had to get the HELL away from these crazy broads. But to his lousy luck Crying Beauty was behind him.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! You look just like Little Brother!" Blinded by the rainstorm of sobs, the kid was unprepared for a power glomp.

_"You are…crushing me, crazy lady…"_ he said in his native language, which no one present could understand. Oh dear lord, the pain. Please make it stop.

The hysterical bridesmaid squeezed even harder. "I swear I didn't mean to ch-cha-choke you! Forgive me! FORGIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE ME!" The pressure she was putting on the little one was equal to the death grips the B&Bs placed on Old Snake

_"No air… no air…"_ He was now turning an unhealthy shade of blue. He bit his tongue in a desperate attempt to stay awake.

It turned out his bite was so strong he drew blood, which fortunately for his life and unfortunately for his mental wellbeing drew the attention of Screaming Beauty.

"BLOOD! BLOOD IN MY MOUTH! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!" She booted the laughing gal's noggin, which prompted more crying and some laughter and curses, and torpedoed that poor SOB. "DON'T SCREAM! DON'T FIGHT! I MUST FEED!"

Her lunges for fresh meat were met with some panic-induced kicks from that poor little kid. The screamer learned that eating a live body is a lot harder than eating a dead one. So screaming like the babe trying to eat him, the kid got loose and ran like hell.

Screw it. Sure that robot toy the little girl was playing with was cool but no way in hell was he going to risk getting joked or eaten just to get it. He was going to run until he would never see another damn psycho army bridesmaid ever again.

"Well done, you FUCKING morons!" yelled Raging Beauty. "You just LOST the one guy who found us interesting, you SHITHEADS! No wonder we can't find a DAMN man!"

"HA HA HA!" Laughing Beauty began dancing a cowboy jib, clicking her heels with arms akimbo and singing like a loon. "Alone again! Can't you see that my troubles have begin! I just can't wait to be ALONE AGAIN!" The others ignored her bastardized version of _On the Road Again_.

The screamer fell down and curled up in a fetus ball. "I DON'T WANNA BE AN OLD MAID! ALL I DID WAS EAT A BUNCH OF CORPSES! WHY WON'T GUYS GET OVER THAT?!"

"Because all men are FUCKTARDS who can't owe up to women!" The fuming redhead clenched her hands, killing her flowers. "FUCKING PUSSIES!"

The crybaby of the group nursed the bump on her head. "Wh-Why da-did you hit meeee? Boo hoo, you da-don't have to hit meeee?"

"Yeah, you shoulda used a hammer! Heh heh! Hammer in the morning, hammer in the evening!" Laughing Beauty crackled up hysterically, bopping the Nubian princess in a likewise manner. This of course prompted more sobs from the girl.

"GOTTAGETAMAN GOTTAGETAMAN!" The former Mistress of the Beasts leapt to her in a righteous declaration pose. "I SWEAR ON MY IMAGINARY MANTIS THAT I WILL FIND LOVE EVEN IF I HAVE TO EAT A HUNDRED CORPSES!"

Across the runway, Hal Emmerich sweatdropped watching the manic sideshow the bridesmaids were putting on. "Snake was right," he murmured. "We should have just turned them over to the MPs but nooOOOooo I had to feel sorry for them." He hissed loudly. "Smooth move, ExLax."

**XXXXXXX  
****THE END  
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So what do you think of my first crack-fic? Sure it's short but I thought it was funny. Do you think I should continue this as a series? It would be Quentin Tarantino's version of _Sex in the City_. I hope I succeeded in that extent.

The idea for this fanfic came when my pal and I started wondering what happened to the Beauty & Beast Squad at the end of the game if they're all alive. I found the ending to MGS4 very fulfilling but the only thing that left me wondering was what happened to the B&B Squad. This was the story that came from that question. I think that's the best way to spin new stories.


End file.
